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Coffin Corner: Patriots-Texans 2042 – Scouting Report from the Future

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I’m writing you this exactly 25 years in the future on Sept 23, 2042. I know you’re thinking, “The year 2042 is only 25 years away!”  That’s what I thought back then when I first read this piece that I’d written 25 years later from the future. Mind-Plosions aside, I’m sending this into the past as a warning to Bob McNair, if you’re reading this, this is mostly a scouting report to let you know what your future will be if you continue down this path, like the future ghost from the Bill Murray classic Christmas tale, Scrooged.

And before we get to the game between the “Gillette-Samsung Razorblade TVs” Patriots and the “Houston’s Steak” Texans (not that it should be that surprising, but teams no longer represent states or localities, they represent corporate entities) let me catch you up on what’s been going on around the NFL over the last quarter-century.

The good news: here in 2042, there is NFL labor peace. After a 2-year players’ strike that devastated much of the NFL’s stranglehold on American viewers, DeMaurice Smith negotiated a 99-year CBA in exchange for mandatory foot massages for every player after every game. In order to get this necessary concession, Smith was forced to negotiate away the players’ medical benefits, salaries and helmets. MMQB Scribe Peter King called the historic agreement a “Win-Win”.

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Kill, Bill, Vol 3: The New England Patriots Schedule of QB assassins.

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Let me start by saying: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

The Patriots got beat by Alex Smith.

Yes, Kareem Hunt and yes, the Chiefs and yes, Andy Reid, who previously prompted two overused soundbytes: “Tom Brady’s just not good anymore” and “We’re on to Cincinnati” (my least favorite of the Hoodie catchphrases). So I’m not saying FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! because they lost to the Chiefs. That’s fine, Andy Reid is as competitive with Belichick as Tom Coughlin was. The loss isn’t a problem, even welcome, if it focuses the team and pushes them to come together.

The reason I am saying FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! is Alex Smith.  Alex Smith, the dink and dunk QB, who had a career 61% completion percentage. Alex Smith, the number 1 pick who has never amounted to that value, who had only 1 game with 4+ TDs in 142 Regular Season games.  Alex Smith, who was being challenged by a rookie for his starting job in training camp, who had only two games ever where he amassed more than 311 yards.  That Alex Smith torched the Patriots defense for 368 yards, 4 TDs, 80% Comp %, 148.6 Rating.

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Brady and Cooks Primed to Shine

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After completing the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history, it wasn’t a surprise that the New England Patriots were heavily favored the win the Super Bowl for a second consecutive season. With most of the team, including future Hall of Famers Tom Brady and Bill Belichick coming back, it’s hard to bet against the Pats.

Check out the Patriots odds offered by major sportsbooks if you want to put your money where the expectations are.

But those hopes took a hit during the preseason, when wide receiver Julian Edelman tore his ACL and was lost for the season.  Edelman came through time and time again in the most biggest moments and replacing that kind of production won’t be easy.

With the game on the line Tom Brady knew he could trust Edelman to be right where he expected him to be, and that made the Patriots’ offense almost impossible to stop.

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Patriots Positional Preview: Defensive Tackles

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The countdown to camp with positional excerpts from my season preview book continues today with the defensive tackles.

One of the most underrated groups on the roster, Alan Branch, Malcom Brown and Vincent Valentine did a fantastic job controlling the heart of the offensive line and winning the battles in the trenches in 2016. The result was the best-ranked run defense (4th in Football Outsiders DVOA) ever under Belichick.

This is even more of an accomplishment when you consider the Patriots now use two defensive linemen to do what three used to do.

Branch might’ve been the defensive MVP for a large chunk of the season. The huge veteran often lined up at nose tackle and was near unmoveable. While Brown doesn’t have much flash to his game, but he’s an athletic technician who always seems to be in the right spot. He should start to get even more notice in his third year.

Together, Brown and Branch gave the Patriots everything they could expect from two stout tackles tasked with occupying multiple blockers and controlling the line of scrimmage.

Valentine did an outstanding job filling in at times for Branch and Brown and should take more strides in his second season. His goal line stop in the AFC Championship (see GIF) was the highlight of his season and a play to build on.

While the starting trio returns intact, free agent signee Lawrence Guy is one of then most intriguing new players who is below many radars. Guy’s interior pass rush skills should be a huge asset while his role on early downs is something to watch.

Let’s take a closer look at all the defensive tackles!

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Is this the season Patriots join Steelers with six Super Bowls?

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In a record ninth Super Bowl, it was fitting that the Patriots won in Houston in dramatic flourish. Trailing 28-3 in the third quarter, the Pats completed the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history ended in overtime when James White ran in a two-yard touchdown.

Things certainly didn’t look great early on for Tom Brady, as he became the first winning quarterback to throw a pick-six in football’s most lucrative game. That Atlanta’s Robert Alford ‘only’ ran in the second-longest return in Super Bowl history summed up the Falcon’s evening; second best in an impressive way.

Impressive, except the manner of defeat.

For 41 minutes and 18 seconds, the world was at their feet. Officially, the Pats never had the lead, underlining the cruel nature of defeat. When White crossed the line, the game was over with the Pats finally in front; there was no time for the Falcons to retrieve the deficit. It’s a blown-lead record every team hopes the Falcons hold onto.

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Patriots Extend James White Thru 2020

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James White‘s very excellent 2017 continued on Tuesday night as Adam Schefter reported that White had inked a three year extension with the Patriots, a deal that will keep him on the team through 2020.


I’m still pretty flabbergasted by White’s progress over his first three seasons. Couldn’t get on the field as a rookie, was a passing-down only back in 2015 who had just five receptions on 16 targets in the AFC Championship loss and then, in year three, he just keeps getting better all year long until he caps it all off by doing just what we thought he never could do — plow his way into the endzone through multiple tacklers to win the Super Bowl in overtime.

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Patriots 2017 Preseason Opponents Announced

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In one of the more anticlimactic moments of the offseason, the NFL announced preseason opponents today, in the first small sign that the 2017 season is approaching faster than we realize. This summer the Patriots will face:


The Patriots will play the Giants like they usually do in the final week of the preseason, but the other opponents leave a little bit to be desired. There’s already reports of the Patriots and Texans planning some joint practice sessions. Perhaps, with some old Patriots execs running things with the Lions now, the Pats will do the same with Detroit.

Usually in the preseason I like to see a variety of good quarterbacks. Facing one who can run is always good for preparation too. Unfortunately the quarterbacks of this preseason won’t give the Pats’ defense the kind of experience they’ve gotten the past couple seasons when they saw QBs like Drew Brees and Cam Newton.

Still there’s plenty of talent on the defensive side of the ball for the Jags and Texans and Matthew Stafford in Detroit should present some challenges.

But ultimately who they play in the preseason doesn’t matter all that much. It’s just a nice reminder in early April that August will soon be here.