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Coffin Corner

Patriots Terrible Take: Tomato Cans? – Week 6

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I only have the energy for one take today because The Oldest Huckster in Boston threw out a doozy of a tweet.

Hot Take:

King of the Strawman argument, DickButter Shaughnessy, pulls out his classic “tomato cans” analogy to describe the rest of the Pats schedule. His columns and hot takes have become the laziest game of madlibs.

Here’s the formula: [Thing that is good for team’s chances to win this week]. Actually it’s bad you idiot because [uninformed, but intensely guttural opinion] [then always] #tomatocans

Here let’s try one, something that is good? Home field. Okay how about: The Patriots have home field advantage in the playoffs. Actually it’s bad you idiot because they won’t be tested on the road until the Super Bowl. #TomatoCans

I might have to rewrite the formula because it sounds so stupid when you say it out loud—

He said that?! For real? I was just making a – When did he say it? 2014, like when the Patriots won the Super Bowl or how it’s always confusing because the season is played over two years and you mean like the 2014-2015 season? No? The year they won?!! Woooooooow. That’s just doubling down on stupid. Let’s examine the wall of Tomato Cans.

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Coffin Corner: An Open Letter to Art Modell from Patriots fans

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much-fodell

October 6, 2016

Dear Mr. Modell,

Sir, we know that you have since passed, but we wanted to take a moment to thank you for your contributions to the New England Patriots as they embark on a game against the expansion franchise that replaced your own in Cleveland.

Your announcement on November 6th, 1995 in which you told the country of your decision to move your football team, the Cleveland Browns, to Baltimore is one of the unsung days in Patriots history. The fact that it was made the day before the city of Cleveland voted to capitulate to your revenue funding only furthers Patriots fans’ appreciation. This decision gave the six states that comprise New England, arguably, the greatest historical run in modern sports.

We want to thank you for your “business savvy” when you refused to share the revenue generated by suites at Cleveland Municipal Stadium with the Cleveland Indians, despite the Indians generating a majority of the income. That decision prompted the Indians to find public funding for their own stadium, which saw your company’s steep decline in revenue. Your business decision to not divvy up the shared revenue with your local baseball team, without which, the people of New England would never have been able to bear witness to four Lombardi trophies.

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Coffin Corner: Let’s fix the NFL’s Rulebook

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images

In a dimly-lit, window-less room, deep in the bowels of an office building on Park Avenue, we find a man that closely resembles Professor Gerald Lambeau, disheveled, sweat dripping from his receding hairline, a cigarette resting limply on his lip. He feverishly picks up his red crayon and begins drawing something on the wall—Stick figures, a football, a physics equation.

PULL BACK to find adorning the walls are the etchings of a madman.

CATCH: To Catch a Predator ——–> Catch Me If You Can ——-> Catcher in the Rye – Reagan, Hinkley, Jodie Foster, ———> JFK?

A train of red yarn connects this to another series of notes –

TWO FEET – definition (Noun, Pl.) ——> 24 inches or dueling appendages attached to ankles”

Then another yarn string –

POSSESSION = 9/10ths of the Law!!!!!

Professor Lambeau steps back from his sprawling work to take in the sum of all of the respective parts. An equation that spans all four walls.

Eureka! He’s got it! Will Hunting and Sean the Shrink said he couldn’t do it, wasn’t smart enough, but he did. They bronze Fields medals for this type of work.

That is the only possible explanation for this definition of a “catch”:

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