James Conway

Coffin Corner: The Foxboro Redemption

February 7, 2017 by James Conway

A wrongfully accused man is harshly sentenced for a crime he didn’t commit based entirely on shoddy circumstantial evidence. Despite his innocence, he refuses to relinquish the high road for the very sake of his soul.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Our hero refuses to let the anger in, he offers hope to those who surround him in the prison, he finds power and conviction in his desperate situation. His final appeal for exoneration is destroyed when his warden literally kills his only shot at getting out.

Apologies to the Hoodie, but the best movie to describe Deflategate isn’t “My Cousin Vinny”, it’s “Shawshank Redemption”. And Tom Brady is Andy Dufresne.

Coffin Corner: (TB)12 Terrible Super Bowl Media Narratives

January 29, 2017 by James Conway

Before we get to the awful early Super Bowl coverage, I have one game-related thing to discuss. Ugh, I know, it’s not about Deflategate. I’m sorry.

If you’ve listened to anyone in the NFL media discuss the actual game, which is really a needle in a haystack at this point. Each of them cites Julio Jones as Atlanta’s chess piece that Belichick and the Patriots defense must take away. But let me throw a stat at you that doesn’t fit that narrative: The Atlanta Falcons are 4-4 when Julio Jones has 100 to (gulp) 300 yards. Their only loss when Julio failed to reach the 100 yard plateau was the first game of the season. To put it another way, the Falcons have won 10 straight games when Julio stays under 100 yards. I’m surprised someone at Elias hasn’t alerted the ESPN talking mouths.

Far more important than Julio for the Falcons has been balance. If they get their other receivers and their backfield going, that is really the gasoline for their offensive engine. That’s why I would focus far more of my energy on taking away Gabriel, Sanu and the dynamic backfield of Freeman and Coleman.

My initial feeling is the Patriots will use the blueprint from the Steelers game from week 1 in 2015. When the Pats put Butler on an island with Antonio Brown and let him get his, but didn’t commit extra resources to stopping him. (Mike D. note – me likey)

Coffin Corner: Spoilers Alert!

January 12, 2017 by James Conway

Every NFL season during the Roger Goodell reign has become an absurdist melodrama that would shame the writing staffs of Downton Abbey, Days of Our Lives and WWE. This year’s episodes included:

The Suspension. The Jimmy G Tour. The Thumb. Goodell’s Pathological Addiction to Protecting Pathological Abusers. I have no idea how he screwed this up, but I’m glad the Giants have correctly identified Odell Beckham as the Giant most in need of chiding. “The Belichick Letter,” which reminded me of the great “Cheevers letters” Seinfeld episode. The “Tomato Can” tour, a Dan Shaughnessy tradition unlike any other. (“Heads, I win”; “Tails, I win” argument. Shaughnessy’s such a talented writer who relies on hackery in an effort to be “right”. As if that matters.) Deflategate 2: Science And Procedure And Whatever. Walkie-Talkie thingee. (I understand the hypocrisy of the NFL, but I still don’t understand why I’m supposed to care about this. This is how the league should punish people for things that don’t affect the 22 players on the field.)

Deeeeeep breath…

The Year-Long Ratings Decline. The Cynical Touchback rule. LeGarrette Blount’s predictable 1,000-yard season. Patriots get too cute trying to bleed clock and end up losing to Seattle. Jeff Fisher’s paid vacation. Rex Ryan’s truck. Aaron Rodgers being treated like a God for correctly identifying the Packers upcoming soft schedule. (Where is Shaughnessy on this one?!) Jason Garrett following in a long line of mediocre coaches winning Coach of the Year. (In a decade this will look really bad, but he had a back-up QB win 13 games. I get it.) John Harbaugh complained a bunch. (Google “John Harbaugh complains.” It’s absolutely remarkable. He once complained at a player’s funeral to DeMaurice Smith talking about practice!)

But something about this season didn’t feel quite right. Almost like a network comedy that’s in a 5th or 6th season rut. The cast and writing staffs have become a bit hemmed in by their cast, each now slowly becoming more caricature than character. This season felt like that. Maybe that’s why most of the stories we got were like the third season of the O.C.’s Chrismukkah episode: Deflategate 2, Goodell goes Soft on Wife beaters, John Harbaugh complains about something that happened to him in grade school. Even Goodell never really seemed invested in this year’s tangential storylines, barely defending his atrocious handling of the league. Afraid to show his face as ratings declined. He barely lodged a single illogical pronunciations that went unchallenged by writers propped up by the league. No science to disprove. No tyrannical over-reliance on the word “Integrity.”

Coffin Corner: NEVER FORGET!

January 4, 2017 by James Conway

If you’ve been on #Patriots Twitter or listened to the Hucksters of Boston Radio lately, you’d think the Patriots fans and reporters are the folks who had been concussed every playoff Sunday for the last 10 years, not the players. That’s the only way to explain the insane front-running, Super Bowl-assured confidence that’s been on display for the last few weeks.

Folks have already declared victory over whichever haplessly quarterbacked divisional round opponent comes to town. Nevermind that Mark Sanchez once sent Brady and the boys packing. After the divisional round, they’re certain that Andy Reid (HOF coach) and Ben Roethlisberger (HOF QB) will roll over in Foxboro. Never mind that Rex Ryan (not a HOF head coach) and Joe Flacco, twice, (not elite) have sent Belichick and Brady to early vacations. The Patriots have homefield advantage, which most fans and “experts” credit as the most impactful difference in last year’s AFCCG loss to Denver. Nevermind that both the Sanchez-led Jets and Flacco-led Ravens both won in Foxboro.

But this sports community, arguably more than any other, should know that winning football games in the regular season means about as much as Roger Goodall’s “integrity”. The Patriots went 18 and 1! The 2010 team was 2007’s equal in efficiency and was one-and-done in the playoffs! Sorry, but another reminder is needed, Mark Goddamned Sanchez, perhaps the worst starting QB in the history of the sport, beat the Patriots in the playoffs!

The most dominant team in the NFL for the last decade has 1 Super Bowl win and only gotten to the Super Bowl 3 times. You know why? Because it’s really hard to win a Super Bowl!

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. This hurts me more than it hurts you, but you’ve given me no choice, folks. Someone has erased your data processing unit in order to forget your violent mortality and I need to jog the memories by reminding you of the searing memory that still haunts my sleep.. Ugh, here we go…

Coffin Corner: Only choice for COY. Sorry, guys.

December 21, 2016 by James Conway

Congratulations to the Patriots. The AFC East is done. Again. Forget the Masters, Jim Nantz: this is the tradition unlike any other. The New England Patriots sew up the AFC East before week 17. Below are the weeks the Patriots clinched the AFC since 2009:

Week 15: December 18, 2016 (also 1^st round bye)

Week 14: December 14, 2015 (Week 15: 1^st round bye)

Week 15: December 18, 2014 (Week 16: 1^st round bye)

Week 16: December 22, 2013 (week 17: 1^st round bye)

Week 13: December 12, 2012 (week 17 1^st round bye)

Week 15: December 18, 2011 (Week 16 1^st round bye)

Week 16: December 26, 2010 (Week 16 1^st round bye)

Week 16: December 28, 2009 (No 1^st round bye)

That’s 8 straight years of division dominance, 7 years of conference dominance and Super Bowl contention. It’s amazing, hard to fathom, and even harder to write about evidently. I’ve seen nary an article citing the Coach of the Year as Bill Belichick. National columnists have run out of angles to demonize this team’s historical greatness, so now they churn out “Baltimore – Pittsburgh week”, like this hailed historical rivalry wasn’t for the 3 seed or focus on circling the wagons for owners of teams who defend domestic abusers or hypocritically accuse teams of malfeasance. Or focus on Jeff Fisher’s pathetic resume. Or his successor (someone got page views pitching Pete Carroll to leave Russel Wilson and the Seahawks, WTF?!). All because the best of NFL writers struggle to write about historical greatness.

Coffin Corner: Eureka! Oh… damn.

November 30, 2016 by James Conway

bill belichick

Last night, I had a tragic Eureka moment. Something popped into my head, right before it hit the pillow, quickly shared it with my wife, thought okay, I will write about this tomorrow and hit the sack. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get rid of it. It just hung there, a terrible thought, a stressful idea. So here we are. This is how I write at 4 o’clock in the morning. Not great so far, I have to admit.

At the beginning of this season, I wrote about LaGarrette Blount being a 1,000-yard rusher because of the offensive design and Marty Bennett and I thought that was a hot take. At the time, it seemed to be. The truth is, it was just right. And I worry that what you’re about to read, might be just right as well, which terrifies me. That is why I’m up writing this as my mutt Beagle, Wally, snores by my side. This idea, this ear worm, this feeling is so powerful that it is literally keeping me up at night.

I haven’t heard any real mention of it. Nothing on Twitter. No recent articles. Somehow even Shannon Sharpe and Skip Bayless haven’t stumbled upon it in their daily word jumble. Forget idea, ear worm, feeling or take, what you’re about to read is a theory, a theory so mind-erasingly simple you will wonder how Tomato Can Shaughnessy hasn’t made it into an annual column. You will wish you’d never heard this simple theory (no real conspiracy to it, sorry, Roger), but it will stalk you like the STD in “It Follows” and you will feel obligated for your own sanity to make nice with the next person you see, in order to pass it along and keep this awful, terrible theory at bay. But it’s coming.

WARNING: This theory may cause chest pain, migraines, anxiety. In rare cases, this theory may lead you to question everything you hold dear. 100% of recipients report unexplained loss of vision, hearing, and speech due to the alcohol consumed as a result of this theory. “No, you’re an alchawlic, you ever think about that?! Huh? You crazy rabbit,” will become your goto phrase to wife and children alike after every Patriots game as a result of this theory.

All right, enough of the build-up, here it is: I think we’re more than halfway through the last season of the Hoodie. There I’ve said it. I think 2016-2017 season will be Belichick’s last.

Coffin Corner: (TB)12 Thoughts about the Patriots 2nd Half

November 13, 2016 by James Conway

tom brady

1.This one is obvious, but how does the defense respond to the loss of Jamie Collins?

This is the biggest question for the rest of the season and hopefully playoffs. Can this defense, minus one of the most athletic players in Patriots history, pull together as 11 parts of a central nervous system?

If I had to pick a favorite between High and Collins, I know this seems silly now, but I’d have said Collins up to the day of the trade. Obviously, I was wrong, but it was like choosing between Cersei and Tyrion Lannister. Every human in the realm would choose Tyrion, he’s flashier and sexier, he’s droll and funny and the best part of Westros, but when the White Walkers come calling, you know Cersei is going to be stained with mud, covered in rags with blood in her mouth because she’s now surviving only on rat carcasses. She’s just a badass, who is constantly challenged, but she continues to roll up her sleeves and go back to work. High’s play in Super Bowl 49 before Malcolm Butler’s interception is perhaps the greatest play of the game, forever overshadowed by Malcolm Go (buy the mug), but one doesn’t happen without the other.

The Collins move was disciplined, smart and callous, everything that makes Belichick a great GM, getting something for a player he was increasingly viewing as a negative to team defense. But this is first time in a long time where I’m openly concerned Belichick, the biggest hater of distraction, has actually become the distraction, himself. I almost always love these types of moves by the Hoodie. Loved the Chung trade, the Moss trade, the Chandler trade, but this one, along with the distraction of the letter to Trump has me openly wondering if Belichick could lose the locker room. Not because it was to Trump just because this election was so divisive that there will surely be players in that locker room who disagree. They need to come together and maybe a road trip to the West Coast can help them get away from the cesspool of Boston sports media.

2. What does the performance of Jamie Collins and the Defense in general say about our resident Rocket Scientist?