I only have the energy for one take today because The Oldest Huckster in Boston threw out a doozy of a tweet.
Hot Take:
Roethlisberger has surgery today. So once again, we are assured Pats have no tests before playoffs. #TomatoCans
— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 17, 2016
King of the Strawman argument, DickButter Shaughnessy, pulls out his classic “tomato cans” analogy to describe the rest of the Pats schedule. His columns and hot takes have become the laziest game of madlibs.
Here’s the formula: [Thing that is good for team’s chances to win this week]. Actually it’s bad you idiot because [uninformed, but intensely guttural opinion] [then always] #tomatocans
Here let’s try one, something that is good? Home field. Okay how about: The Patriots have home field advantage in the playoffs. Actually it’s bad you idiot because they won’t be tested on the road until the Super Bowl. #TomatoCans
I might have to rewrite the formula because it sounds so stupid when you say it out loud—
He said that?! For real? I was just making a – When did he say it? 2014, like when the Patriots won the Super Bowl or how it’s always confusing because the season is played over two years and you mean like the 2014-2015 season? No? The year they won?!! Woooooooow. That’s just doubling down on stupid. Let’s examine the wall of Tomato Cans.
THE PATRIOTS REMAINING SCHEDULE: DVOA isn’t perfect, but I think it is the closest to perfect as we have in statistical modeling in the NFL (sorry, PFF). But 4 of the Patriots 10 remaining opponents are in the top-12 of DVOA: Steelers, Bills, Seahawks and Broncos.
AT PITTSBURGH: Losing Ben Roethlisberger makes this a different game, but Roethlisberger isn’t great against Belichick, winning only twice, and one of those was more than a decade ago in 2004 in his rookie season. Also the one thing that messes with Bill Belichick is uncertainty and unpredictability at the QB position. Landry Jones isn’t good, but neither was Brock Osweiller and he lit the Pats up in a must win game last year.
AT BUFFALO: The Buffalo Bills are the No. 2 team in the AFC. No shit. That’s real. The weird Ryan brother fetish thing (I call band name) is working in Buffalo. The Bills also happen to be the only team that knocked off the Patriots at home. I know we don’t want to count that atrocity of a game because our 3rd String Rookie QB had a torn ligament in his hand and could barely hold a football. (But even without the Pats game, the Bills are still 6th in DVOA). They run the ball well. The game is in Buffalo as well and I’d expect a week of torturous gameplanning and gamesmanship to get to Tom Brady. Consider me concerned about this game.
BYE WEEK: “Do Your Job” Blu-Ray and Chill.
SEAHAWKS: After the Bye is the 2nd ranked team in NFL according to DVOA, the Seattle Seahawks. It’s a Sunday night game, so no West Coast team traveling east excuses. Glad the Patriots have two weeks to prepare for that one. This will be the teams first meeting since Malcolm Butler stole the Super Bowl, so I’d expect an extremely competitive and pissed off team and a return of Bill Nye the “science” guy idiotic unscientific accusations. And Cris Collinsworth’s slurred appreciation of the Commissioner’s stance on domestic violence, whatever that may be at the time. It’s actually good, I’m guessing.
AT SAN FRANCISCO & AT JETS: Two road games: one across the country in San Francisco on basically a short week given the late Seattle game in New England. Don’t forget Chip Kelly beat the Patriots with his undermanned Eagles team last year. Then they have to fly back across the country to New Jersey to play their wounded animal rivals, the Jets, for another Sunday Nighter. These don’t appear to be tests on the field, but they will certainly test the team’s focus and resolve.
RAMS: Not too worried about that one, though they’ve got a tough defense and running game. Jeff Fisher loves dirty, so this will be torture.
RAVENS: much will be made about Harbaugh’s slights towards the Patriots in ’14. Deflategate will never die. This team is 3-3 right now, but with a few extra HGH shots and sprinkles of Deer Antler spray and they could be 6-0.
AT DENVER: Denver is the 10th best team in DVOA. And that defense is legit terrifying.
JETS & AT DOLPHINS: Okay, I’m not worried about these as much because if the Patriots take care of business in the previous 8 games, they will be atop the AFC and have little to play for, but that’s a big if.
Once again? Do morons like this really not understand how the NFL rotating schedule works or they just like to spout nonsense? It can be rally hard to tell. Shank is so far gone it’s not worth reading. How is playing all AFC divisional first place finishers every single year a tomato can schedule? They win 12 games a year no matter what divisions they play. So tired an argument.
I’d say Shank is more blissfully unaware and intentionally misleading than not understanding but yes. It’s ridiculous.